5th August 09'

//It's 0352 in the morning on a Thursday,




Tomorrow I'll be having double tuition and not forgetting my trials as well as Chem quiz.
And yet, I am here. Facing lappie like I did these past two days watching BoysOverFlowers non-stop.
I haven't touch a single page of History and I am feeling confused.

I went to school on Tuesday despite not sleeping at all and it seemed like a dream. I turned left and right, everyone seemed to be so attached to their books. I couldn't help myself but thinking I am a useless piece of shit. Come to think of it, I am.
I always said to myself,






" There are always ups & downs. And I'll always pick myself up no matter what. "







This time, I don't know whether it will be possible.
Grandma is fine now. But shes weak. When I first heard the news, I was in Raymond's car. I couldn't help myself so I broke down. And I smiled looking at Alicia.
I had no idea why.
I guess it was pretty embarrassing and I really didn't want to ruin the mood.
When the 'rents&I were at Delicious. Mom completely broke down while calling my Grandaunt on the phone about Grandma. I have never seen her like that.
Not since I got second last placing in class when I was Standard 5.
Things were really starting to get better, but I guess it didn't.
I couldn't pass a single second thinking what happened to Grandma. So I took the disc aunt lent to me weeks ago. I was addicted to the series, BoysOverFlowers.

i was in fantasy that Tuesday.
nothing stopped me.

And when I turn off Lappie since I need to attend school in 1 hour, I was back to reality. It hurt so much. That feeling of the granddaughter attending school while her Grandma lying in the hospital. It was pain.
No matter how much I talk about it, the stain is still there. So I ignored the reality and got back to fantasies. I really couldn't snap out.






I wonder....







What if I run away from all this ?
What if I just go off and start my own independant life ?
Maybe, it will work.
I'm not exactly in a state of mind where these problems come & go. This time, its stuck. Like a lipstick stain that cannot be wash off.

I invited you guys, which I doubt any of you will read. haha. It;s just, I really love all of you.
This is probably the easiest way for me to tell you this.
My weakness ?
Is to confess a matter to someone I really care about, whether its good or bad.

So my fellow friends, do me a favor will you.
If I push you away, just don't bother me.
Because I don't know whether I will pick myself up.
I won't say I'll try. Because I really don;t have the motivation to do so.
If...
If I am really gone for a day,
send me an angel to help me. Help me find myself again.
Because now, I'm really restless. a fool.

they say, don't ever regret what you done. just do it! i regret for giving up that i really need him. i regret for not treating my friends a better way. i regret for not treating my fama better way. at times, i don;t even look them in the eyes when talking. it;s been like that for 10 years. To think of it, its been 10 years.
a decade...
i keep telling myself, only one more. SPM. and thats it. but what if its not? what about college?
what about picking my career?
i don't want that. i don't want money, career or whatever.
that is what you want 'rents.
i...
i just want to find myself. again.