Letting Go.

I recently read an entry by a senior of mine about love and letting go. She described how vital the existence of love towards the world and the difficulty to let it go. No matter if it is the love towards your family, a special someone or simply an affection towards your pet there will be a time where you have to learn to let go. As I continue to read my mind was only searching for an answer, HOW to let go.

I met a special someone last year.
He never bought me flowers or gifts. He never whispered sweet words to my ears or bring me out to romantic candle light dinners. Heck, he didn't even me buy a birthday gift which he promised. Then how exactly did I fall head over heels for such an insensitive guy. To think of it now, I really don't know.
Perhaps it was those so-called late night studying at college which lead to endless conversations and silly arguments. Or maybe it was the same taste of music that we had which surprised me. (For those who knows me well, my genre in music is completely the opposite of hip hop, metal, meaningless lyrics and rock.) During our first meeting, most of our conversations got caught up in introducing and exchanging different songs.Music was one of the main factors that helped us bond so quickly. For the first time ever, I met someone who listens to Whiskey Lullaby, moreover, a boy. 
It made me tear when I first understood the lyrics. Heartbreaking.
Then, he brought me out to dinner. Not a fancy restaurant with waiters in bow ties but a night market with vendors by the side of the road. Despite that it was drizzling and excusing every second to push yourself forward from the crowd, I enjoyed it. He introduced me to different varieties of food to desserts. The food was beyond delicious (of course, its Penang we're talking about!) not mentioning extremely affordable. An unexpected night turned out to be one of the happiest days that I had so far. It was as if I had known him for a long time rather than just two hours. It might sound cliché like what you might have watched in movies or read in novels but I believe this feeling goes the same towards anyone when they meet someone so similar like themselves.
There was never an intention or the slightest thought to even bring the bond which started out as a simple friendship beyond the line. I resisted every motive or even chance to bring the friendship further.
I tried. And tried again.
But I gave up.
It was already hard enough to resist the feelings but it was harder to push him away. I accepted every inch of feelings that I had for him and despite the short amount of time we had, despite whatever silly arguments/ things we encountered, I felt like I was the luckiest girl alive to have had this guy in my arms. But I knew that deep down that there won't be a happy ending.

Why?

Because when a relationship begins it only ends in two ways - a break up or a marriage.

There wasn't a break up. Instead, things ended peacefully. For a while.
In the beginning I thought things were fine but the truth was, I never truly confronted how emotionally hurt I was. Maybe because throughout that one year, I had multiple 'bad endings' with different individuals before but I moved on and I thought this time, it would be the same. "Time will heal", they say.
Time plays the part in prolonging the physical attachment and as time pass, other things fills up the time which makes you have less time to rethink or recall the past memories. It won't heal, it never will. Time only helps to cool down the fire but the ashes remain. And the truth is, I was torn apart. But time, also thought me one thing. That I have to let go at some point or a better way to put it, I was suppose to let it go the moment it ended. I learn you can't let go in just one day. I tried that, believe me. Then I asked myself one simple question, "Am I ready to let it go? Am I ready to leave the past behind and to never look back at it even at a glance?"
On the surface, my answer was Yes but deep down, Never. 
I would then forever be living in my own shell, in denial, in despair and in the past. I would forever be unhappy. And please girls, don't put your hopes for another prince charming to come. I admit that I am still maundering about the past. And this my friend, is my first step to letting go. Admitting.
And after that, slowly, when time allows, I will smile back reading this entry of how far I have gone :)