Fill It In For Me

Just a couple of minutes ago, I had the urge to write out my feelings. So I brought up Mom's notebook to my room and switched it on so I could save the time to wait for it start up while I said my prayers. As soon as I settle myself down, tuck an extra pillow as a head rest and log in to Blogger, my head went completely blank.

This is my page, my blog, so I am allowed to write out whatever I wish to, is that right?

My fingers are itching to continue word by word to type out what I feel and what I want. This blog would then be a free publicity to my daily life and darkest secrets. Unfortunately, I don't fancy people to 'Like' me or view my face upclose(I'm talking about 5cm from the camera) and add caption on how I desperately need a rhinoplasty/ facelift/ eyelid surgery so others could comment on a praise out of pitiness to make you feel better. Going out of topic, again.

Now, I mean right NOW at 1.51AM, Monday, February 21st 2011,

I feel lost.

At first I assumed that perhaps this was temporary. Maybe it is the lost that every college student has when they don't know which career path they want to choose or maybe it is the lost that every girl experiences after losing someone special. Yet again maybe it is just a feeling I create because I've been wondering aimlessly for three months. Doing absolutely nothing includes waking up past noon, skipping lunch, buffer Korean dramas online and watch till the evening, dine with family for dinner, browse the Astro channels for watchable shows and sleeps after three in the morning. A few days of this 'absolutely nothing' routine can be heaven after completing a major exam or handing up your 3,000 word assignment but after a few weeks of it, you will end up drowning in your imaginations and attempt suicide.

I can't stand watching myself growing fat from all these eat-sleep and no adventure routine so I started to fill in the blanks.

First was of course unpacking. Second, which university and what course to pick. Oh goodness I had countless headaches from the leaflets that I browsed and research.Thankfully, I made my decision. After picking, was to fill out the application and wait for the offer letter. Last but not least, what in the world am I going to do while waiting for my offer letter(that is if I'm getting one). I figured that empty question by applying for a job which I hope, I HOPE will be going smoothly and avoid conflicts. After the moment where I shook the GM's hand and thank him for the opportunity, my legs started shaking and my heart was palpitating until... NOW. And I have a strong feeling my anxiety will last till Tuesday which reminds me I haven't gotten myself a zippo as part of the tools for the job. I need to develop strong faith within myself to develop my confidence and pray that no mishaps will happen.

The only question is,

What do I feel lost about? Why?

I've already planned a solid education pathway for myself which I am completely satisfied with so I can scratch the lost-in-my-future thing. I've already gotten myself a job and have yet to register for two language classes so I can also scratch the lost-cause-I-have-no-shit-to-do. Then what?

What exactly am I feeling lost about?

It might be just my silly thoughts or delusion but there is always that feeling of lost in the corner of my heart. Right now, yes now, I wish I am holding a Styrofoam box filled with muachi, sitting at a rock facing the dark ocean while enjoying the wind gushing through my face with my hair all messed up and listening to the sound of the ocean waves hitting the rocks. Because then, everything seems right.

There was no lost.

Only happiness.