Whiskey Lullaby

Sorry.

Perhaps the five letter word is too humble to even describe how I feel. I have so many things to say, to write, to jot down every bit of my mistakes and infinity thoughts. My thoughts are everywhere that at times it is so hard to even read my own mind. What I want to do right now is to remove my lens and start packing my dirty laundry so I will be prepared when Uncle come to pick me later.

What is stopping me is the little voice in my head that is asking me to write this post.

Growing up to be who I am right now wasn't easy. Nothing is easy.

I had the best childhood than any other children can ask for. After coming back from morning school, I would eagerly go home just to have Grandma's home made scrumptious meal. I would then pinch my adorable baby brother and play with his baby hands. During the evenings, Kakak would take me out to the playground. When the sun was no longer in sight, it was a mark for us to go home. Upon reaching, the sound of car engine on the porch will make me jump.

Father & Mother was home.

I skip all the way to the door and shout, "Daddy! Mommy!" with a big wide smile on my face. Mother give me hug while carrying a briefcase while Father would give me a pat on the head and ask how was school. The whole family would then have dinner at the big dining table talking about our day and at times laugh at the silly manners that Jon does. You can simply predict the actions because these were all the routines during my age.

School, home.

Such simple acts made my childhood fill with so much joy. I admit I was a pampered princess. Father & Mother bought me all the toys that I asked for and paid for ballet/ scouts/ taekwando/ singing lessons and uniforms that I eventually quit halfway.

I was a very happy pampered princess.

I was.

Today marks the beginning of a self realization. I was reading through some entries from a particular blog. Everything was so similar. The music, the dream. It was as if the words were written from my malfunction brain that I couldn't interpret. It gave me hope and inspiration.

I truly thank you for that.

Back to the topic, my childhood wasn't a dream, it was real. It was so real that I forgot how joyous it was. My mind was clouded with temptations and reality that I forgot to appreciate what I had.

However, nothing is permanent.

I grew up and things change.

That process of change is still evolving in its own spin that no one knows what to expect next. It is that change brought us all the hardships. But neither change is permanent. Father & Mother started to work all day and all night. By the time they got home, I'll be sleeping. This turns me to an affiliation with Kakak whom I tell all my deep dark secrets and day at school. She was my pillar of strength. No matter whatever issue I had, she was the one who advised and tell me not to give up. Ironically, her duty to keep the house clean and also to act as my pillar of strength. Half of my life was with her.

The moment she left, it got harder for me to turn my feelings to. That difficulty brought the loneliness in me and eventually, frustration.

Frustrated of that change. Frustrated that I have no one else to talk with whenever I get home from school. Frustrated that when I get home, the house would be empty and I have to order McD Delivery, again. Frustrated that the more truth I discover, I can't turn to anyone. All these frustration turn me into a much rebellious teenager after that. Perhaps Father & Mother also notice the change in me. I start to isolate myself from their world. Clearly, it is impossible to do that since we're living under one roof.

Our relationship was the other side of the simple joyous world that I had when I was ten. It was faraway from joy or simple. Things got harder and well, not joyful.

But I'm thankful for everything and for every change.

Surely its not a pretty sight to see but who said life was ever easy?

Who knows, that 10 year old girl might appear again someday :)